And Now I'm Stronger...

SO I have been dealing with something... for a few months. I don't like to talk about it because after all I have been through I don't like to appear weak. I am proud of overcoming something and then to have a setback even if it is a small one is hard to admit. I haven't had to deal with the PTSD attached to my seizure in years now. This Summer my daughter and I went on a road trip from TX to Northern CA which was HUGE considering it took me 4 years to even drive on a freeway after my seizure. For those who don't know my seizure didn't happen while driving I was on the freeway with my kids 20 minutes prior. When it happened we were volunteering at the local soup kitchen. The fear though of what COULD have happened though stopped me from driving on a freeway or basically at all for years. Anyways we ended up having car trouble with my new vehicle on the way back which set me right back into panic mode. I actually parked the car in Phoenix, found a nice hotel and told my husband to come get us which he did. Then in the beginning of Fall after 6 plus year I felt off for the first time since my GMS which lead to another panic/stress for me. Labs all came back fine but seizure meds were adjusted and AGAIN I started to sneak back into that panic feeling with driving, sleeping, ect. I have certain triggers that make it worse. Today, again it happened.. Usually I will call my husband but he was busy, my BF is on vacation and I just wanted to breathe through it and this song came on the radio not once but 2 times in a row. "Something in The Water" By Carrie Underwood. It just reminded me so much of my life before when I was stuck in PTSD after my seizure. When I was going through the motions of my life but not living. When I was I was angry at God for almost killing me. When my life consisted of sleeping, eating and pretending to be happy.

"He said, "I've been where you've been before.
Down every hallway's a slamming door."
No way out, no one to come and save me
Wasting a life that the Good Lord gave me
Then somebody said what I'm saying to you
Opened my eyes and told me the truth."
They said, "Just a little faith, it'll all get better."

One morning I did wake up and realize my life was a gift. Out of nowhere the most miserable person in the world actually believed everything was possible. That was the day EVERYTHING in my life became better. I realized I wasn't almost killed I was given a 2nd chance to appreciate and live life to the fullest. I have the same amount of days as anyone else on this earth - not one of us is guaranteed tomorrow. That is not a religious thing - that is just life. None of this actually is- it is just my path - there are many paths to peace. This just happens to be the way I found mine.
 
"And now I'm singing along to amazing grace
Can't nobody wipe this smile off my face
Got joy in my heart, angels on my side
Thank God almighty, I saw the light
Gonna look ahead, no turning back
Live everyday, give it all that I have
Trust in someone bigger than me
Ever since the day that I believed
I am changed
And now I'm stronger"

The part I need to remember and the reason that song came on TWICE, IS I am changed and I AM stronger. I don't need to be perfect to show anybody that. We all have our moments of doubt. The joy in my heart, the lessons I have learned and the life I have built will get me through anything though.

 https://youtu.be/mH9kYn4L8TI

Today Is What You Make It

I know I am always telling people to be happy all the time. How that is what I see. I promise you I don't live in a world of rainbows and sparkles. I have plenty of people and situations that can annoy me - ask my running buddy! We chat it out and leave it on the road. Some days are harder than others - I am human but I do know from my most human moment how short life can be. How tomorrow is not a promise. Don't let stupid situations or annoying people steal your joy. Choose to ignore it. Choose to set boundaries. Choose to rise above it and live a peace filled life. In the end that is what matters.

Listen To Your Body - I Wish I Did

Did you know there are things I ACTUALLY have not told you about yet?? I have only told my very close family this and a couple other people this I don't like to be weak but if this weakness can save one life I will do it. So I will share my horrible story and hopefully it will help you or someone you love.

7 years ago I was at the gym I use to be a member of. I had just taken a Body Pump Class. I felt great. I stayed after class to talk to the instructor and her sister. While I was talking to her I felt every word LEAVE my body. I was looking at these women and I was trapped in my body. I could open my mouth and NO words would come out. In my mind I was screaming what is happening?? They were looking at me like what is wrong? When my words finally came back they said wow, our Grandma had a stroke recently and she did the same thing.. A stroke.. I saw my Grandma have one on my 12th Birthday and I know that is what it in my mind I looked like to me too. I was 33. That couldn't have happened. I was now talking fine, my face wasn't paralyzed like my Grandmas, I was functioning - just shook up. I went home cried, napped and then rationalized it all. How do you rationalize that? Fear. the #1 thing that stop people from getting the answers they need when they have a medical episode is FEAR of the unknown. If I would have listened to my body. Gone to the Dr, and not been scared to face what was in front of me my irregular brainwaves could have been diagnosed. I could have been treated and I may have not had the Gran Mal Seizure that almost took my life in June of that year. 

If you have something bothering you. Talk to your Dr. If a family member is having issues share with them this blog. Listen to your body. Please.

It Is All In Your Head

Anybody can want it for you. I want health and happiness for all of you but until YOU want it more than I want it for you... that is where it will end. Just a want. You have to find that deep down desire and passion to succeed. My passion was knowing without a doubt that my life was a gift. Knowing that I could have died 6/16/08 and all my dreams would have been just that - dreams.. I was going to fight day by day to be successful and once I made it there I was going to stay there. Why? Because I deserve it. My family deserves it. After almost losing one another we deserve the best quality of life possible. I didn't lose 110 lbs, find health and happiness to lose it again. This wasn't a temporary fix. This is not something I will do again but I will be active in it daily. I fought for myself. What is your WHY?? Connect with and then everything is possible. Sometimes the only thing holding you back is all in your head. The flip side to that though is all that you need to drive you forward is there as well.

Fight for you. You can do it.