Today is the 7th anniversary of my Gran Mal Seizure. Instead of calling
it the "anniversary" those close to me know I call it my "Life Day". It
was the day everything ..began.. to change for me. I say began because
at first I was scared, I was angry, I lived in fear. I wouldn't even
call it living. I stopped living. Sometimes I actually think I feel like I
stopped breathing. Like I was shoved underwater and I was waiting for
somebody to save me. I was scared to be alive for simple fact I could
die. I could have died walking, showering, swimming, breathing. Seizures
are scary and that is what it did, scared me to stop living. The only
exception was when I would try to pull myself together in time to pick
my kids up from school. Put on a happy face to act like a happy parent
because I loved them so much. That was and still remains my main fear leaving them. My then 12
year old son and 6 year old daughter. I don't remember my seizure. I
remember driving on the freeway with the kids and going to volunteer at
the Soup Kitchen. Then it all went black for nearly 2 hours. My children
though remember it all. That is a huge burden for a parent to put on
their kids. I know I didn't do it on purpose. I am so thankful we were
all safe but to not remember something is hard. To know your kids have
those moments etched in their brains is horrible. To have them tell you
about it.. I can't even describe it. So how did things ever turn around
for me? I lived in a whirlwind of chaos in my mind, fear, sadness and
anger over my diagnosis. My defining moment was one morning I woke up
and realized I was not being punished. My life wasn't over, it wasn't a
death death sentence but a SECOND chance. I wasn't taken from my family
but given a second chance to get it all right. I now have learned to
trust God. Even this morning 7 years later when my eyes opened my first
thought is, Thank you. I say those 2 words every morning when I wake up
before my feet hit the ground. My family laughs I am a morning person
now. It is because I feel blessed. I start each day with a grateful
heart. I choose to be excited, thankful and happy. I live each day with
intention. It did take a long time to get there though. I do have
moments when anxiety hits. They are further and farther between. I need to breathe. Get through the moment and
release it. Not cling to it in fear. I define me - my diagnosis and my seizure meds do not. I live an active and healthy life. Which is intentional. When I
decided my life was a gift I also decided not to waste it and live it to
it's healthiest and fullest, I have maintained 110 lb weight loss now
for 3 years. My goal is to be the best version of me that I can. To be
an encourager for others as the world is full of critics. My life might
not make sense to some but until you have almost lost your life it's
sometimes hard to understand those who have almost lost theirs and came
back. We try not to sweat the small stuff. We love a little stronger.
Cherish good friends. Avoid those who are negative. We hug lots and say I love you more than most. That is though because we know tomorrow is not a guarantee. I always want everyone in my life to know truly and dearly I love them. The #1 thing I have
learned is giving up is always an option but it will never be MY choice.
