16th Year

I don't have any pretty pictures to start this one with. No little bows to tie on top and make it complete. This is just was it is. My life ..actually my second babies life. Not Olivia, she is my third. I am talking about the one I never held in my arms. The one who would have been 16 years old today , Valentine's Day 2016. As the years go by the pain does decrease. Actually with my shift over the last year. My focus on what I see in my mind changes. Before I use to think the first kicks, picking her name. Then of a happy couple finding out the gender of their 19 week baby and seeing her heartbeat. Then something went wrong. Going back having another ultrasound with no heartbeat , the surgery, the agony... The other morning I was going to sleep and said can you imagine having THREE of them? She would have been 16. I can see her. Our children look the same. I wonder would she have been musical like her big brother. A dancer like her little sister. Athletic like her dad was and play basketball like he did? Would she love to run and race me out the door every morning? Or something completely different. No matter what she was - she would have been amazing. She was important and she is still loved. Now she is loved with more of a peaceful heart. After all this time now I think her Birthday may have been perfectly picked on this day. Before I felt it was mocking me now I feel what better day - A day of love.

Alive or Just Living

I was sitting at the park reading a book in the sun and it dawned on me just this one simple thing makes me ALIVE - not just living. Years ago I simply went about my day to get to the next day. I didn't see the joy in each moment. I was so stuck in sadness and despair from my diagnosis I honestly slept all day. The only time I put on a happy face was when it was time to pick up my kids from school and play the part. I didn't even drop them off at school my husband did. I would get them out the door and go back to sleep. Are you living to get to the next day? Barely breathing not, enjoying life? Then I challenge you for the next week to stop. Living doesn't cost. Go for a walk with a pet or a friend. Work in your garden. Sit in the sun. Read a book. Exercise. Craft. Find a hobby. Start with 10 minutes. After a few days it will get easier to find time and more time as it will bring you such joy. The important thing is to wakeup and be ALIVE. Don't waste your life. I know we don't all have medical issues. We all haven't been given second chances to live but you can learn from us -we aren't promised tomorrow. If you weren't here tomorrow do you want your friends and family to say - they loved life and lived it to the fullest? Or the opposite. I know now my family would say I loved them and my perfectly imperfect life to the fullest. Like I said there is no cost to living but there is a huge cost to living without life. Choose to be ALIVE!

Act II

The middle, Act II, is uncomfortable. It is where we find our truths. If we stop fighting and start listening we learn from them. It took me quite a long time to stop fighting. When I did I learned I can deal with anything. Also I can appreciate anybody, even the most horrible for the lessons they have taught me. I have also turned my test into my testimony. I can endure anything and rise from it. My middle was a huge mess but it made me an over-comer. It made me strong. It made me grateful for everything and everyone. It gave me the ability to know I can help others with what I lived and learned. Don't be afraid of the mess. It is necessary and that is where your magic will happen.

Letting Go

Personal confession. I have been dealing with something since the middle of the night a few days ago when I got a phone call at 3am. It doesn't involve my husband or children but it is family. This situation has been weighing on my heart and soul for a few days. Even though I say "everything is ok" - my heart is telling me it is not. I am very connected to those I love and who are around me. Even more so since my GMS. I'm very in-tune to what is going on even when I'm not with them. It has always been that way since I was a child but after my seizure it was multiplied 100%. I know something is going to happen before it happens. I just have a knowing this is a year of change for this person I love and it's not going to be a good one, hopefully that changes. I need to find peace so this doesn't hang over me and change who I am. So I have to focus on what I can. Making sure no matter what this person knows I love them. Which I know they do because they tell me anytime we speak. They also tell me I am the only person who has never given up on them. Which I never ever will do. I am actually the only person who takes the time to take classes weekly to learn how to deal with them, their addiction and myself. At first it made them mad but after it has brought us closer because they know they are that important to me and 2. they also know there is no bull between us. Just honesty. Addiction can be a roller coaster. You can think you are off the ride but then it starts up all over again. I pray it just stops and they find health and happiness. What I can do now after this is let go and let God, again. 

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.