16th Year

I don't have any pretty pictures to start this one with. No little bows to tie on top and make it complete. This is just was it is. My life ..actually my second babies life. Not Olivia, she is my third. I am talking about the one I never held in my arms. The one who would have been 16 years old today , Valentine's Day 2016. As the years go by the pain does decrease. Actually with my shift over the last year. My focus on what I see in my mind changes. Before I use to think the first kicks, picking her name. Then of a happy couple finding out the gender of their 19 week baby and seeing her heartbeat. Then something went wrong. Going back having another ultrasound with no heartbeat , the surgery, the agony... The other morning I was going to sleep and said can you imagine having THREE of them? She would have been 16. I can see her. Our children look the same. I wonder would she have been musical like her big brother. A dancer like her little sister. Athletic like her dad was and play basketball like he did? Would she love to run and race me out the door every morning? Or something completely different. No matter what she was - she would have been amazing. She was important and she is still loved. Now she is loved with more of a peaceful heart. After all this time now I think her Birthday may have been perfectly picked on this day. Before I felt it was mocking me now I feel what better day - A day of love.