April is Child Abuse Awareness Month and every year I’m filled with sadness and anger for the children who were not protected. I was one of them. This is not the easiest for me to talk about because I have always hidden behind this a bit. I have forgiven those at a time I should not have simply because as a child and a young adult I needed love and wanted the comfort of a somewhat normal family like everyone else. As a child I was scared to say too much to anyone because the fear of the unknown was far worse than the daily horror I knew. That I knew I could get through because it was my normal which was not normal at all. I knew at the end there would be a space and then they would act normal again. After all we appeared to be "Golden Family" until the truth started to fall out little by little. I realized from raising my family that these patterns that were normal to me were abuse in themselves an extension of my childhood abuse. I saw the patterns from those people start to come close to my children. Then I had to start cutting ties. I went no contact with one parent the patterns kept going but just with me. In my attempt to be loved I became the people pleaser and did all I could for so long to be perfect. To help at a drop of a hat fly cross county and save the day. Save the day for people over years, putting them first for months even when they wouldn't cross a puddle for me or mine let alone states. Relentlessly going through the patterns of being gaslit, ignored, adored over and over simply because I was someone they needed not someone they loved. Until the truth of what they did came out when I did a dna test building my ancestry tree. The truth exploded. Again, I let new people in. People who should have appeared safe. Then again I learned about narcissists. They are either the victim or the hero but never the villain. I had a major health scare from the stress put up on me from this. So I healed and I grew and I made my life a safe space. A place where I could breathe. All throughout my life there have been people who have listened to my story if I have felt safe enough to open and share. Many are so cherished and are my given family. There are some though that weaponize all I have been through against me. Even at 50 same as when I was 15 this is why people do not share. It is why abusers of all types get away. It is why this continue. It is why generational trauma never ends. I can tell you though in my leg of this tree - it is over. For those in this world who do not listen to all survivors -It is time for change or this will never end.
Sending love to ALL victims not just the one people choose to hear. I have space for you all.
