Break Free

This is such a deep pic makes me a little emotional. If I let my wounds define me I would be a mess. I would be a horrible parent from learning from one of mine. I would be scared to live because I couldn't break free from the fear of my seizure. I would be morbidly obese still because I wanted to hide from the world and bury my emotions in a piles of food.

Instead I define me and I am FREE.

#breakfree #livelife #girlsgonehealthy

Motivation for a New Year

New Years is coming and lots are talking about getting in shape. I have seen the words "do it to make others jealous" a lot. I know not all things motivate all of us but this does NOT do it for me at all. If it does for you it is totally OK. The bottom line is whatever motivates you enough to get healthy - use it. For me I would rather focus on me. Working on my grass instead of wondering if you are noticing mine. For me and my life nothing sustainable and life changing has come out of something based on jealousy and negative feelings. Focus on improving your body, making yourself proud, overcoming the odds, improved energy levels, the looks of amazement on your Doctors face, being an example for your family, paying forward what you have done.... the list can go on and on. You are so much more than making someone jealous. Find a positive focus and you will be even more amazing.

So... I have been a little quiet lately because I have been going through some stuff. It's odd because I am dealing with it much better than I did 6 years ago. I am not shell shocked and in PTSD. I also haven't had a huge hit like a gran mal just some abnormal things and tests are being run. We don't have answers yet -might not until next week as we are nearing a weekend. One thing I have not want to do is share too much.. which has lead me to reflect on why. I know why. I have an invisible illness. To the outside world and to me most times I look fine. I like it that way. I don't want to look weak or broken. I have come too far to be seen that way in my mind. I have overcome being an abused child, being overweight, finding I have a seizure disorder, PTSD, I have lost 105 lbs, maintained it for years, learned how to have healthy relationship with addicts in my family, to say no to people and yes to me. I am an over comer. I am strong. Now I am stopped in my tracks because something is not right. I honestly haven't slept much because I'm scared to. I hate to be morbid but if the worse happened I could have a seizure and suffocate in my pillow. When my eyes opened this morning my first thought was - thank you God I'm alive. Then as I spent most of the day reflecting on this I remembered the worst day of my life already happened 6-16-08 - and I lived. Then I lived in darkness. I will never live in that darkness again. I was saved from death 6 years ago to live a good life. To see my children grow. To love my husband. To grow more with my family and siblings. To help others. To let them see things are possible if they set their minds to it. To let them see the positive even in the most difficult times. In doing so I have to drop the wall and share it all with you. I have to let it go and trust the path my life is to take. So far life has not been perfect but it has made me strong, kind and compassionate. Traits I would not have had if I had never been weak.

I may not be perfect but I am enough, alive and grateful.

Now I'm going to take a nap.

Box Of Shame!

We have been cleaning out our storage. This box hasn't seen the light of day in 7 plus years. My daughter opened it and said what is ALL this?? Well, it is my diet box of shame - lol!!! Protein diet drinks, metabolism pills, fiber pills, fat suckers and bippity bippity boo. Guess what?? I gave this.... crap... up learned clean eating and lost over 100 lbs in a year. Plus, I maintained it for almost 3 years now. This is why I love the 21 Day Fix so much. It is like the creator climbed into my head and pulled out everything I could have taught you. She even simplified it. If you want to put these chemicals and such in your body - really it is your choice. If you want to learn from my dieting yo-yo mistakes- I was the QUEEN!!. I'm here for you. If I am not convincing enough my challengers lost 58.6 lbs this week! 785.4 lbs in 34 weeks. Clean Eating is for life not something you do until a bottle is empty. Or you shove it in a box for 7 years because it made you feels sick, your heart race out of your chest, possibly made you have a seizure. It's healthy - it is for life. Something to make you feel successful, proud and a great parent parent for leading a healthy life. Showing that box made me feel like the former me was a failure to my 13 year old. I'm so glad that is not me any longer.  Now I am proud to have done it right and for life.

#beproud #eatclean #trashthebox #girlsgonehealthy

The Greatest Gift I Can Give

I will admit this is not the typical before and after pic of someone who has lost over 100 lbs. Losing weight though is so much more than the number on the scale or the size in your pants. It is who you are. Who you become. The confidence you get in finding yourself. Also what that does for your children. The girl on the left would NEVER have acted silly for fear of being seen. I didn't want to be seen let alone have anyone look at me. I was taught unless I was perfect I wasn't worthy of love or praise. The girl on the right knows different. I know that the only person I need to please is me. It is OK to be perfectly imperfect. It is OK to be silly. It is ok to start to have confidence. My daughter and I drove cross country this summer and some of the best memories are stopping at random souvenir shops. Spending a half an hour being silly, trying on a sombrero and taking selfies. Who care who was looking! We are just a Mom and a daughter making memories. Also, I was teaching her lessons the Mom on the left would not.

She is silly, beautiful, worthy, perfectly imperfect and loved She has the confidence it took me 36 years to find. That is the greatest gift I can give her.

#endthetrend #raisedwithlove #fullcircle

The Time Is Now

How many of us sit around and wait for tomorrow to act on the things we say we want to do? Tomorrow you will workout. Next week you will eat cleaner. Next month... maybe.. when life calms down. This I can tell you from 40 years of living. Life will never calm down, something will always be changing, someone or something will always need your attention. So what can you do about it? Stop waiting. Put yourself first just a little bit each day and watch amazing things happen. Procrastination has robbed you of too many moments and opportunities. Find that list you have... You know the one - the list of should haves and some days. Why are you waiting? The time is now. Tomorrow is not a guarantee my friends!

If it is important to you - you will find a way and do it today.

#lovelife #doitnow

Lesson of the 2014

One of the biggest lessons for me of 2014 is detachment. It doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means I have boundaries and choose not to participate in your addiction, negativity or mood. I don't have to have a bad day because someone I know is struggling with one of those. My feelings are important too. Most the time they are happiness, love and encouragement. I want to spread that around not take on the negative traits of others. So, you may come knocking but I don't have to answer.

An "Aha" Moment

I had the rudest thing happen this morning but it lead me to an amazing "aha moment".

This morning I was running. Something I have been working hard at the past 2 weeks since over Summer I let this piece of me go. I was active and worked out but hadn't done this. Everyday I get stronger and I love that feeling and getting that piece of me back. As I was rounding a corner and literally wiping sweat from my face with the hand that has my wedding ring a car drove by. A lady yelled at her window "not fun to be the fu#$in Trophy Wife" and flicked her cigarette butt at me. For 1. I am no trophy wife. Never have been never will be. For goodness sake I rolled into workout clothes, no makeup, dropped my kid at school and ran. I am no prize. Hugely laughable. I am just a person doing my best to live a good life and be healthy. 2. I will not be mad at this woman or let her thoughts get in my head. As they say "I don't care what you think about me.. I don't think about you at all". After this post that is where this will lead. I don't know the story of her life. She could be going through something major. I'm actually sorry she has so much anger.  I AM upset she flicked her cigarette at me. That was way uncalled for. 3. The AHA moment...So many of us are afraid or tentative to workout where people can see us when we are out of shape. I know in the beginning I was. I would run at night. I wish more would get over that. When I see a new runner or someone getting sweaty with a great walk it makes me so happy for them. I know they are changing their lives. Today was a wake up for me though on the opposite spectrum.... guess what? There will always be someone judging you. Your job? Brush it off. Focus on your health and happiness. That does not include the opinion of others. Only the support of people who truly care.

My Life Day

Today is a bigger day for me that my Birthday .. It is my Life Day. Six years ago today I had my gran mal seizure. An event I do not wish upon anybody but changed me to a better person. A person who knows that by the grace of God I was given a second chance to get my life right. You might think that is extreme but if you do you most likely have never been given this gift. As I sit here writing this I can still feel so much of it. I remember laughing with my kids driving down the freeway. I remember starting to volunteer at the Soup Kitchen. Then it all goes black. I don't know how much time has passed but I remember lying on my back seeing the gazebo in the center of town and EMT stick something in my hand. Then black out again. This was during a ambulance ride I don't remember. Some more time passes. I hear people walking, things beeping and myself breathing. Have you ever heard such a silence and had no sight that your breathing sounds really loud? Finally when I have my vision back I just see my husband sitting by my side staring at me. I was out for an hour and a half. Time I will ever remember. Time my children will NEVER forget. They were just 6 ad 12 and witnessed it all. Nobody understood what happened. The ER said I was dehydrated and needed rest. Luckily, another volunteer from the Soup Kitchen called he said you didn't move much but I know you had a seizure. That night my tongue was hurting. When I looked in the mirror I had bit it in half. The hospital checked paperwork saying my tongue was fine.... I knew then I was in trouble. I cried myself to sleep and called a neurologist in the morning. That lead to many tests which lead to my diagnosis. Gran Mal Seizure due to irregular brain waves. I will be on meds 2x a day for the rest of life. In that moment I could not see past the diagnosis. Few things kills the human spirit like lack of hope. I was destroyed. I fell...crashed.. into PTSD. I was afraid to walk, eat, sleep....breath. I was so afraid to die I forgot to LIVE. One morning I literally woke and realized I was given the gift of life. What was I doing with it? Eating, gaining weight, crying, being angry and feeling sorry for myself. I realized I needed to stop and live each day as it was my last BUT enjoy it. From that moment I have put my family, my health, positivity and paying it forward as my goal. I found my hope again and along this twisty road I found myself.

So now looking back I have seen 6 more Anniversary's, 6 more Birthday's for more Children, 6 more Christmases, I watched my son Graduate from High School and start College. I get to watch my Niece grow. I get to kiss my kids, watch them turn into amazing people and grow older with my husband. I get continue build and have great relationships with friends and family. I got to lose 110lbs and learn to be healthy - also to help others to do the same. I GET to turn 40 in a few weeks!! Usually something somebody dreads - I am so excited I am!!

My life is a gift and I thank God every morning when my eyes open for my second chance. Also that He has given me one more day with the hopes for 50 more years <3

Never let a diagnosis or fear define you... YOU define you.

If you are stuck in a hopeless situation know there will be happiness again. You can overcome anything - just as I have - I promise. If you know somebody who is stuck - feel free to share this with them.

We received devastating news about our 9 year old Irish Setter yesterday. He has intestinal cancer. It is aggressively advancing. There is no treatment for him. All we can do is love him. Continue to try to get him to get him to gain weight. Also enjoy him and listen to his signs as to when it is ....his time to "leave us." At this point he is not in pain and is still very much our very happy, prancing man. This guy is a member of my family. I love him as I do my own children. I can't imagine what the next weeks, months, fingers crossed - years... will bring. I know the last is probably not a rational thought but I refuse to not think this is a possibility I have faith and hope.

Something dawned on me today while I was fixated on the pain our family is going through. Every situation I have gone through in life has eventually passed no matter how permanently fixed it was in our life at the moment. Every pain we have gone through has brought new qualities out in our family. Patience, understanding, compassion, love... and now eventually courage. All of our experiences have built us stronger as a family. I know we don't know the timing of this. How much longer we have with our furry loved one. We need to know this is something we can not predict - nor would we want to.  We need to be patient with ourselves and one another as we are a different stages of mourning and the stages can change hourly. Then when the inevitable happens we are going to have to accept it and mourn again. This is a wound that will not heal quickly but we need to remember this too shall pass. Someday there will just be wonderful memories and new strength that came from Duke of Shenanigans  and his time with us.

So, if you have a difficult situation today - remember - it will end and you will be stronger. Everything will be ok.

As I was driving down a beautiful country road with my windows down enjoying the beautiful morning and a jerk flew by me and gave me the bird with anger.. again for going 5 over the speed limit I couldn't help but reflect on life. How do you view life? Are you in a hurry to get nowhere randomly carrying anger to strangers or do you enjoy life? I thought of the women at the water park there with their sweet kids complaining that they couldn't wait to wear them out so they would nap. As they grumpily trudged into the water just to fulfill a duty. We are now the generation of "Throwback Thursday" pics why don't we focus on the real thing - the moment. The here and now. Yeah, those kids might be driving you nuts. We have all been there. I can tell you and any other Mom who has one in College or above those kids are going to be gone in a heartbeat. ENJOY IT. Yes, the person in front of you in the car going right above the speed limit enjoying the beautiful day might seem annoying. If you want to pass her - pass her but do you have to flip her off for 3 minutes? Really that tells so much about your life and I'm sorry it's filled with so much anger. I can tell you though when we hit the same sign in 5 minutes or I pass you when you are pulled over by Cop - was it worth it? Anger is so silly. Why do you need to carry it and spread it around? If you are spreading it to the person on the road. Are you spreading it to the person you work with, live with? Also if we met face to face would you have the nerve to act the same? Before I changed my life I carried anger with me. I was so sad. Life is so short. Trust me. Almost 6 years ago my life was almost taken from me. I was given a second chance to make better decisions. To live happier, to treat others better. I know every morning when I wake I am lucky. If you have nothing nice to say don't. This world is filled with enough negativity. Life is short. Help other - don't use others. Enjoy your kids even when you want to pull your hair out. Laugh at the chaos. Roll down your windows and enjoy a beautiful country road.

Life is short in 10 minutes, 10 days or 10 years will the things that are bugging you even matter?

Why do you let it now?

Take Pictures!!

I don't care where you are at in your weight loss journey. Take a picture. Pictures use to be the most dreaded event for me. I would hide behind my kids, counters and people. Make sure you get some that are just you. You will want them eventually. Take a few every few months. You don't have to share it with anyone. Just save it. Someday, like I am having today when you are feeling down - pull them out and line them up. You will be amazed at what you have accomplished. Sometimes when you see yourself daily you don't see what you have accomplished. In picture #1, I was miserable but HAD to take the pic since it was an important event in my kids life. In picture #2, I had just hit my 100 lb loss in one year and could fit in one side of my former tight pants In picture #3, I saw a gown in a dress shop I loved. The sales lady took it off the mannequin she swore it would fit me. I swore she was insane.... it fit me. It was a designer size 6. My largest size worn was a 22 (not formal sizes) and it was tight. The last time I attempted to buy a designer dress for an event I left the shop in tears. This time I left SO happy. Not over the size but that I had so much fun with my 12 year old trying on dresses. She thought I was beautiful. To a Mom - that is the best compliment in the world.

If you can dream it - you can do it You deserve it.