So...
I have been a little quiet lately because I have been going through
some stuff. It's odd because I am dealing with it much better than I did
6 years ago. I am not shell shocked and in PTSD. I also haven't had a
huge hit like a gran mal just some abnormal things and tests are being
run. We don't have answers yet -might not until next week as we are
nearing a weekend. One thing I have not want
to do is share too much.. which has lead me to reflect on why. I know
why. I have an invisible illness. To the outside world and to me most
times I look fine. I like it that way. I don't want to look weak or
broken. I have come too far to be seen that way in my mind. I have
overcome being an abused child, being overweight, finding I have a
seizure disorder, PTSD, I have lost 105 lbs, maintained it for years,
learned how to have healthy relationship with addicts in my family, to
say no to people and yes to me. I am an over comer. I am strong. Now I
am stopped in my tracks because something is not right. I honestly
haven't slept much because I'm scared to. I hate to be morbid but if the
worse happened I could have a seizure and suffocate in my pillow. When
my eyes opened this morning my first thought was - thank you God I'm
alive. Then as I spent most of the day reflecting on this I remembered
the worst day of my life already happened 6-16-08 - and I lived. Then I
lived in darkness. I will never live in that darkness again. I was saved
from death 6 years ago to live a good life. To see my children grow. To
love my husband. To grow more with my family and siblings. To help
others. To let them see things are possible if they set their minds to
it. To let them see the positive even in the most difficult times. In
doing so I have to drop the wall and share it all with you. I have to
let it go and trust the path my life is to take. So far life has not
been perfect but it has made me strong, kind and compassionate. Traits I
would not have had if I had never been weak.
I may not be perfect but I am enough, alive and grateful.
Now I'm going to take a nap.
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