So what in the past has this created in me ? I have been afraid to become to my children like the parent of mine that I despise. Scared as the Doctors told me I would never have children due to my attack. Discouraged because I have always had to struggle. Fear because I am afraid of death and leaving my children.
Now over the past few years what have I decided to do? The list will now become backwards. This is because my life started again when I almost died. You will find that with most survivors from near death experiences. It will either make them or break them, I will own it.. It broke me and broke me good for a few months. After my seizure I was SO afraid to live. That mostly stems from the fact 20 minutes before I was driving on the freeway with my children then 6 and 12. The thoughts of being unconscious for an hour and half, not knowing what happened but knowing every moment is burned in their little minds was a huge burden. A few months later I woke up and realized I LIVED. I was giving a second chance. From that moment there was no looking back. I see my life as a gift. I will honor that everyday. I decided to get healthy. It took me a few times to get it right but when I did I lost 102 lbs in a year. Not only am I healthy for over 3 years now. A great example for my children and family. I help coach other women to do the same thing. It is such a full circle blessing. Now my children are 13 and 19. What a gift is that? Just those years alone! To be able to help others, be healthy additionally is just amazing.
Everybody sees their children as miracles but after being told I would never have children after being attacked from damage to my body I see mine as the biggest blessings in the world. They are so meant to be with us. I had a couple of miscarriages. One at 19 weeks. Both of my children were born at 36 weeks. I went into labor - 4cm - with my daughter at 29 weeks and had to stay in the hospital with her until her delivery. There was nothing in this world that was going to stop them from getting to me. So I could choose to be angry and bitter towards men but I haven't. This is actually the first time I have ever mentioned this in writing. Yes, it happened. It has to many. It doesn't define me. It defines an animal. It just makes my children amazing. I released the anger and am healed.
The struggles of doing life "backwards" Has actually turned both my husband and I into business owners. It has put the importance of school and Higher Education into our children. There is no "right" way in life. I am just really proud to watch my son finish his second year of College and plan for his future. It is exciting!
My bad parent. This is a definer in my life. I had one - it doesn't make me one. It actually does the opposite. I have learned how not to be one and I will never act that way. I would never hurt, abandon, play games, put on an emotional roller coaster, or tear apart a family with games or lies. I will always treat all of my children equally. My children will always know I have their backs. I am there for them for the good and the bad. We are a unit. A unit of love and honesty. That will never change. I have ended the trend of obesity, addictions, and now abuse in my family. Out of everything I have accomplished this is my greatest accomplishment.
You can wake up everyday and decide you want to be negative and angry or you can CHOOSE to be positive. It takes the same amount of effort. We all have lists of what has happened to us but you can overcome anything with the right attitude and mindset. Release what is hurting you. Find the gift in it not the pain. Life is full of lessons if you are willing to look.
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you...
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