17th Life Day

Every morning for 6,209 days, I have woken up and thanked God for my life. Seventeen years ago, I had a grand mal seizure and woke up two hours later in the ER. I don't remember most of the week that followed.

Living with an invisible illness is not easy. There are many challenges I face that I don’t share with others—big, scary challenges. However, despite everything, it’s all worth it. My wish was to watch my children grow, and I have certainly witnessed that! They are beautiful, amazing, loving, and compassionate adults, both pursuing careers they are passionate about and find fulfilling.

I have also had the joy of growing up alongside my husband, and we recently celebrated our 30th anniversary. Now, our dream is to grow old together and fulfill our four-seasons empty nest dreams.

Although I never would have wanted to face such a limiting illness (or any illness) when I was 34, it has changed my perspective on life in ways many never get to experience—seeing it through the eyes of second chances. Initially, the world felt hopeless, and I struggled with PTSD for a long time. I still experience anxiety, but I have learned that there is hope in everything. To me, “impossible” is not an option; all I see is “I’m possible.”

I have been seizure-free for 17 years, thanks to medication and lifestyle changes. My specialists have told me that this is essentially a miracle. I hope that when someone feels hopeless, they can learn from my experience. Life isn’t always easy, but hope is real, and miracles do happen. Always declare what you want—your wishes can come true.

 

I faced a decision the other day -- one that honestly shouldn't have taken much time or thought. It was simply about passing information along because it mattered to two people. It was the loving and right thing to do. However, it involved navigating an unknown territory for someone in the family with whom I have never encountered issues, but who is in a strange place. I have found myself in the middle, and having been that person before, I understand how uncomfortable that position can be.

I empathize with those who have a strong loyalty and I understand that enmeshment can be paralyzing. There's so much truth that remains unspoken, and many things you want to address but refrain from out of fear of losing everything you know. I empathize with those who find themselves in this situation. Still, I do know deep down eventually they will see all the facts and truths. They will be brave enough to step forward and embrace all that life and truth have to offer, and they deserve.  

Setting boundaries often involves stepping away from people who make you question everything and can turn something as simple as sharing information into a complex ordeal. Establishing boundaries takes away their power. I did the right thing and shared the information with love because I understood its importance. 

Don't let anyone drain your energy. Rise above it all - above them. Life is bigger and better. Strive to be the better person. 

Generational Trauma and Healing on Mother's Day

 A week ago, after about 20 years, I received multiple calls from my "mother" - the woman who gave birth to me. There were so many calls that I could hardly keep up, all within 18 hours. However, she didn't call to apologize, express regret, or seek forgiveness for the harm and abuse she caused me. She didn't attempt to make amends for the pain she brought my family, which was my breaking point. She also did not try to make amends for the cryptic and hurtful messages via email and social media in the years following. 

After the first call, I set a clear text establishing a boundary: this communication would not be continued. She ignored my boundary, even though I knew she saw my message, and the calls and love bombing persisted. Then, things became frantic. She ended up in a hospital near me, abandoned by everyone, and wanted to move in with ME! I sent her a second text, reminding her of my boundary and stating that her actions constituted harassment. 

The sixth message came through as she called again. At this point, I texted a sibling- the one who is always there for but it seems like he wasn't now. Who knows what tails she was spinning in her chaos. This was the same sibling I told years ago to protect his wife and future family because she would cause chaos. Also, the sibling who was upset with me because I wouldn't attend/ be in his wedding, because our mother would be there and I needed to protect my family. Seems like perhaps he may understand now? I urged him to take care of his mother. They were close, so I believe it is handled.  Now, we can hope she is no longer just two hours away from us. We have consciously chosen to live 2,000 miles away from everyone. 

I don't want to allow this Mother's Day to be overshadowed by negativity. I want to emphasize that even when people abuse you, make you feel unworthy, and gradually destroy your sense of self from a young age, it is possible to rise above it. When raised on lies, the truth will eventually come to light, for three will always emerge : the sun, the truth and karma. 

It took me a long time to confront everything I endured as a child, including the struggle to be the "perfect" one who cared for everyone to prove my love. I aimed to provide my family with the "family" I see and feel everyone deserves. The family you see splashed everywhere especially on holidays like today. Through my healing journey, I discovered that what we needed was for me to step out of the toxicity fully and end the cycle allowing OUR new line to begin. I realized that family that I thought they deserved was only holding us under and making our family line sick with their continued lies, acceptances of abuses and toxicity. You have to fully let go to end the trend. I realized that the choices made by my parents and family do not define me. My healing truly began when I understood their choices ( and lack of ownership of them ) , opinions and reactions reflected who they were, not my values or worth. I think forgiveness is important but forgiveness does not mean allowing people back. I do not have hate in my heart for her. I forgive her for the unforgiveable. I hope she finds peace. 

My Mother's Day gift, now and every day, is our children. We have created a beautiful family that embodies the values of truth, honesty, empathy, compassion, love and open communication. We genuinely value and enjoy each other, not just love one another. My children are my legacy and greatest gift to this world, and it is my honor to be their mother. 

Each Day is a Gift

Dec 28, 2024 - This was 10 years ago today. 16 years ago I feared I would never see my children grow up. This weekend I saw my oldest marry his love. Thank you God.

I shared this personally on December 28, 2024. At the time I wasn't using this blog so I am sharing now. I have decided though it is something I am going to put much more effort into now. I have so much to say and this feel like the place I want to do it.  I started this in 2013 and stepped away about 5 years ago. So many of you have been along with me on my journey through Facebook since 2012. This day was a big day for me. My children are the world to me. 

Holding Space for All

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month and every year I’m filled with sadness and anger for the children who were not protected. I was one of them. This is not the easiest for me to talk about because I have always hidden behind this a bit. I have forgiven those at a time I should not have simply because as a child and a young adult I needed love and wanted the comfort of a somewhat normal family like everyone else. As a child I was scared to say too much to anyone because the fear of the unknown was far worse than the daily horror I knew. That I knew I could get through because it was my normal which was not normal at all. I knew at the end there would be a space and then they would act normal again. After all we appeared to be "Golden Family" until the truth started to fall out little by little. I realized from raising my family that these patterns that were normal to me were abuse in themselves an extension of my childhood abuse. I saw the patterns from those people start to come close to my children. Then I had to start cutting ties. I went no contact with one parent the patterns kept going but just with me. In my attempt to be loved I became the people pleaser and did all I could for so long to be perfect. To help at a drop of a hat fly cross county and save the day. Save the day for people over years, putting them first for months even when they wouldn't cross a puddle for me or mine let alone states. Relentlessly going through the patterns of being gaslit, ignored, adored over and over simply because I was someone they needed not someone they loved. Until the truth of what they did came out when I did a dna test building my ancestry tree. The truth exploded. Again, I let new people in. People who should have appeared safe. Then again I learned about narcissists. They are either the victim or the hero but never the villain. I had a major health scare from the stress put up on me from this. So I healed and I grew and I made my life a safe space. A place where I could breathe. All throughout my life there have been people who have listened to my story if I have felt safe enough to open and share. Many are so cherished and are my given family. There are some though that weaponize all I have been through against me. Even at 50 same as when I was 15 this is why people do not share. It is why abusers of all types get away. It is why this continue. It is why generational trauma never ends. I can tell you though in my leg of this tree - it is over. For those in this world who do not listen to all survivors -It is time for change or this will never end.

Sending love to ALL victims not just the one people choose to hear. I have space for you all.

4:41 AM

4:41... AM. No, not insomnia. I got up at 4:30 to get the coffee going ☕ make breakfast and whatever else is needed to get Liv out the door to College peacefully as I do daily. Thank goodness it is usually not at this painful hour, still early though .Why? When I was 17 my mother told me I was not worthy to go to college even though it was what I dreamed of. A career in the medical field or social work. If someone tells you that you are not worthy remind them that you are. If someone destroyed your dreams. Build new ones. My children are destined for greatness. It is our honor to support and nurture that in any capacity. They are more than I could ever dream of and am so proud to witness it.

It is kind of ironic this reminder came up on International Women's Day. In working on our family tree this year I came across a huge family tragedy. My Poppa's family on my maternal side comes from hard working German immigrants who were coal miners in Pennsylvania. On this day in 1886, 3 of them were killed on one of the worst explosions at the Uniondale Mine. My 3rd Grandfather 40, his son and namesake 18 and his brother were killed. While this tragedy is soul crushing and heartbreaking enough for my 3rd Great Grandmother. While she was attending their funeral their youngest child an infant died as well. They had a total of 10 children she was 40 years old. She ended up living until 1931, 86 years old. On her gravestone it simply said "Mother". On this International Women's Day I would like us all to remember the unsung hero's. The women that have faced such extreme sadness, challenges and tragedy but didn't fall down. They stood up. Their love for others helped pull them through. It wasn't easy but day by day they did it. Today I honor Gertrude Cope and hope that there is a little bit of her in me

 

National Epilepsy Day

National Epilepsy Day is today. Most of us who have a seizure condition will not tell you. Why do you think that is? Because we are ashamed. We are scared that you will think less of us. Well I don't. I have told you lots about my life the last 12 years and it has not always been pretty. If you think less of me for the way God made me. I don't mind because one thing this condition has given me is strength. I am not considered an epileptic because that handful of medications I take every single day. It keeps my brainwaves even. You have to have 2 or more seizures to have epilepsy at this point with one - I have irregular brainwaves. With every good though there is bad. This medicine has given me many side effects. Many I have dealt with over the years and many I am just starting on another journey with. So if I teach you nothing else. I will teach you compassion for those with this or ANY invisible illnesses. Even though I look ok if I have another seizure there is a high risk I could pass from it as any seizure patient can. I will teach you what to do if you see someone having a seizure. Most people have NO clue. Over a lifetime 1 in 26 people will be diagnosed with the disease. Yeah. ➡️1 in 26 ⬅️This is why I'm so passionate about being healthy and living a clean and toxin free life. Everything I do to be healthy lowers my risk. I know I down a handful of pills a day to live but I will do my best to make sure the rest of my environment is as safe as possible. Some people say, Why try with all that is in the air and all around? Everything you do causes something. 🤦🏼‍♀️❎ I say, why not! I will reduce my risk to as many chemicals and toxins as I can. This isn't just about me. It is about my family too. Making choices for them now can set them up for a better future.

Are You Ready For Some....Kindness??

I had joked on my IG that I was going to need protection when I went to the store this morning and I should bring my husband because of my shirt. Little did I know how true this was! First, we are not bandwagon 49er fans. This has been on my keys 10 years. My husband will watch win or lose and has his entire life. We are Northern Californians. I am proud of that. I will always be a Californian no matter how long I have lived out of the state. This shirt is not a political statement. It is not one state vs another. It does not mean I am a certain political party. It does not mean I am here to destroy "your state". No, I'm not a "comifornian" either. YES, all things I heard this morning.
Over
A
Shirt
Y'all need to get a grip. This is terrible.
So, how about we remember this is fun for a game. How about love for your fellow American no matter where they are from or what they like. We are "ONE nation" still, right?? Be proud of where you live without being intimidated or attacking another. Also how about kindness in your actions and words? If you need help in finding that I put up a calendar for "Friendly February"

Remember the person in the store. The person you see online. They are not your enemy. The thoughts in your mind about them are. Change your thoughts and make the world better ✌

Running with a Pride not a Tribe

Yes, I am in one of those businesses but I am not one of those girls. I don't show up at events dressed like I'm 20 years younger with matchy shoes and bags with my tribe. I don't act like a drunk teen who doesn't have true time for people "below" me. I don't take the accomplishments of people who have worked so hard without me and act as if I waved my wand over it and did it when I had barely a thing to do with it. This is what I don't like about my business. It is why I don't go. I was in High School. It wasn't my thing. If it is or was yours and you love and need this in your life. More power to you. What I need is to help others and I get to define that. I had a day where I almost died in my 30's. I fell to the ground in front of my children while we were volunteering at a soup kitchen. I do not remember two hours of my life. There was a flash in an ambulance and all I knew was they were driving me fast away from my babies and there was nobody there for them. I woke up in an ER where I was given a misdiagnosis. Later to find I had a gran mal seizure. I have a seizure condition and am treated 2x a day for the rest of my life. This put me in a tailspin of PTSD and a massive weight gain. After years this way I figured my life was a gift not a death sentence. I found happiness. Lost over 100 lbs in a year. Then I started to help others do the same. This is my why. My company helps me to help others do the same. Find help health and happiness. To live toxin free. It is my honor to help those families. That is my focus. That is the girl I am. I am the black sheep. I am the girl who does it her way. I help others before myself. My focus is you and making an impact on your health not an impact on how I appear. I know my life is a gift and I want to make sure you all have the power to live your life to it's fullest.

So in all this I feel I travel with a Pride like the Lion.  That is how I define my business - A pride of lions. Pride is the state of holding one's self or another in high esteem. As we all do within my business. 

2020 Health Challenge

I see so many celebrities posting about a "Dry January" GIRL... I have been dry for 11.5 years!! For those of you who don't know me closely, no I'm not in AA. If you are I commend you though. I can't drink because my meds say there would be an alcohol interaction. This is something many chose to ignore with many meds as they love to drink. I don't ignore it. Also having irregular brainwaves alcohol messes with them. So in order to have the healthiest brain and best chances at NOT having another seizure I do not drink. If there is something you can to do be your healthiest - Give up something, add something - I challenge you to do it!! If I can live my life without alcohol ( my husband does too in order to support me ) You can do what you need to do as well. What has your Doctor been telling you to do but you ignore the advice? Should you workout more, give up a certain type of food, stop smoking, stop drinking, limit sugars, drink more water, eat more fiber, less meat, less calories even more calories! Whatever it is love yourself enough to actually do it. Years ago I decided to do so. I changed my life. I listened to the Dr's. Fixed my blood pressure. I lost over 100 lbs and have maintained it 8 years. Helped my brainwaves by not drinking. Strengthened my bones with vitamins, collagen and working out. We may be handed a bad diagnosis BUT we can do our best to take ownership and help heal our bodies.

Did You Hear?

Since I know more than say, think more than I speak and notice more than most realize here are some things to help those who have gossipy issues get through 2020 with a fresh start....

1. Rumors are carried by people with hate in their heart. Spread by fools and accepted by idiots🤦🏼‍♀️ 2. If they gossip to you, they WILL gossip about you🤷🏼‍♀️ 3. Gossip dies when it hits a WISE person's ears 🙌

Make it your habit to shut down conversations that aim to bring other people down. Make this year the year you rise above hatred and smallness. Be an example for those both young and old. If you have time to gossip you have time for something positive. Find a healthy new habit. Workout your mind, your body or your heart. You are what you surround yourself with. Rise above

A New Decade

Walking in and out of the hospital for the past few days I have passed this lady. She brings my heart a sigh each time. 10 years ago a friend of mine passed of cancer in this building. It was this time of year. Cold and dark most days out. She longed to be in the sun. We would push her down the hall to the big windows to sit in the sun. One morning she said I just want to FEEL the sun. So we wrapped her up as warm as we could head to toe. We pushed her past the nurses station. I believe to this day they pretended not to see. Jumped in the elevator and out the front door. We stood in front of this statue with her in her wheel chair. She knew her time here was almost over. She didn't say it but I know it. She felt that sun. Breathed that air. It was truly the most beautiful vision. Today is the first day of the year. Of a new decade even. Try to find the beauty in it. Even in the sad memories.. even in an ordinary moment. Life is beautiful. Just look.

Never stop being a good person because of bad people. Never let the opinions of others or the made up stories they create to help them feel good about themselves make you doubt who you are. Don't let one person opinion dislodge everything you know about you. When you do you, you lose a piece of you. Once somebody told me I was not worthy of goal. I fought for that goal and in the end couldn't achieve it because all the obstacles in my way. That person was my parent. That goal was college. That is why college in nonnegotiable in our home. It is why we are so proud of our college grad and our little one just starting. They are our dreams coming true but living their dreams at the same time 💜 throughout my life I have had many walls in my way. Health, people, life. I don't see them as the end but something to get through because nobody will ever stop me again. What I have found with time was any deflection or negativity usually is not based on anything I did but something from their past. Something who hurt them or their limiting insecurities, cruelties or issues. So when faced with a terrible person remember not to stop living but to keep loving. Show the world there are good people like you despite the negativity. When you show the world that you will see the peacemakers, the light keepers, the truth makers and those filled with faith. You will find your Tribe.

9 1/2 years ago today I almost died. Yes, it sounds dramatic but it is true. I don't remember 2 hours of my life. I was a normal 34 year old mom and woke up with a brain condition and my life has never been the same. In the beginning that was horrible. Today it is a victory. I am almost at 10 years with one Gran Mal. Although I have had my ups and downs and live on meds I am an overcomer. This is what I pray for a controlled brain. I beat the massive anxiety attached to this. I pulled myself out of the tailspin. It took a few years but I did it. My life is a gift not a death sentence. I have my scars but I share them to show others they too can survive whatever is before them. I lost that 125. I have kept it off. I have control of my anxiety. I show others with faith, hope and positivity anything is possible. None of this was in me before my seizure. It took almost taking the life out of me to find the piece of me to serve. Although this is not something I would want I am so glad that God used me to help so many through Girls Gone Healthy. If you feel you are at rock bottom just wait something may be revealed to you with time. I never would have believed the life that would have came to me out of almost having the life taken from me. This is not a path I would have picked but being able to help so many is something my heart is happy to do.

A Spark

Sometimes you don't get it fully until years later the impact someone has on your life. If Amy hadn't had popped up in my life and taught me these lessons I may never have found the new me. I may never have become healthy. I may never have paid it forward by becoming Girls Gone Healthy and helping others. All it it takes is one spark to change the path of your life. I truly believe she was my spark. Without this spark my life could have been so different.
8 years ago today my friend died of cancer. There is a lesson in this loss so I will share. She touched my life and if I can pay forward what she taught me to a few more it would be a beautiful honor to her today. I was with her almost every day of her life for the last 6 weeks. Not because I knew her forever or she was my neighbor. She worked at my daughter's school and there was a call and need for help with her. I had known of her for years, my daughter loved her and her family needed help. I was a stay at home mom with kids at school and had time to offer. Those 6 weeks of close friendship I can't describe to you really. In a situation like this one day is like a year. We talked, held hands, laughed.. cried, prayed. She taught me to see the beauty in the simplest things. I was still stuck after my seizure and had not found my way out. She helped me to start seeing the light. One morning she had a request she wanted to feel the sun. So even though it was cooler out we bundled her and brought her in front of a window. She said please just bring me outside. Which we did even though technically we weren't suppose to. You could see every care she had wash away when she could feel the sun, smell the air and be outside for those few minutes. Something we do all the time and don't think twice about. She showed me selfless love. Her #1 concern at all times were her children. How they were doing. When were they coming? Were their days as normal as possible. She taught me undying faith. When at the time in my faith I myself would have been angry to leave my children so young. To have to deal with all of this pain. She NEVER was. She always remained faithful and strong in her love for God. I was at a point myself where I turned my back on my faith because after my diagnosis I felt abandoned. I just had too many emotions to see. She helped show me that even in the greatest trial I am not alone. She praised His name with every breath she had. There are so many things she taught me these are just a few but one that reminds me of her almost daily is this. When things get tough you keep on going. You never give up. On her board in her hospital room were these 3 simple words from her favorite movie...
Just Keep Swimming
Appreciate every moment, hug and love your family, enjoy every laugh and conversation, experience life's moments don't just blindly live, have faith even in the darkest of times and NEVER lose hope or give up. Never be afraid to lend a helping hand. My life would never have been the same if I would have ignored this request.

Control

Pretty morning sunrise run. Actually a much needed sunrise #om  I woke up stressed out because my children are getting older and the Holidays potentially will not look like this next year. So in my mind I started orchestrating scenarios of what we will do, how it will look, how we can keep things "Moran Clan" because I need my babies with me on the Holidays. Ok it's now 5:30am I'm filled with anxiety over things and what I am doing is not orchestrating but "controlling". You think I would have learned 9.5 years ago when the life was almost knocked out of me that I am never in control. I battled that for a long time and it was horrible. The one thing I learned from that is even though I am not in control is I always have a choice. I made a choice about that when I decided to make the rest of my life the best of my life. I made a choice when I decided to get healthy. I also make a choice each morning when I open my eyes and thank God for giving me another day. So now I simply need to remember I have another choice. To be present. To choose joy and peace in my heart and let what will be , be. Because He has just made my children more magnificent with every year. I have always told my friends scared when their kids are going into College it just keeps getting better because it has. I know that wherever the road leads it will be ok and we will be together. So if I have to remind myself 100 times I will to just breathe and enjoy now.

43

Daily I am grateful for these two but twice a year I am over the moon grateful. That is on my Life Day 6-16 I just had #9 seizure free. Then on my Birthday. Today is my 43rd. How could I ask for anything in the world when God has already given me the best gifts in the world. My children. Also the opportunity not to leave this world when they were 6 and 12 but to be here and as healthy as I can be 9 years later. They are my why.

Why I lost the 110, why I try daily. Best thing we have raised two amazing humans that would make any parent proud. Many want stacks of presents I will just be glad with the opportunity to be "present" in their lives. Don't ever take that for granted. Your life is a gift.

Stop Smoking

I don't need to tell you about the chemicals you are inhaling. I don't need to tell you about the damage you are doing to your heart and lungs. I don't need to tell you that you are actually hurting your loved ones with the effects of second and third hand smoke. Why? You already know it. Most smokers I know and who have had issues with my posts through my personal page and Girls Gone Healthy have said they find these facts fuel to keep them going. Like someone is challenging them to keep going. When actually all someone is trying to do is love and encourage you to health. I could have been the same way with my weight 110 lbs ago. I could have held on to the weight to show the world, to spite them. I decided though to be the healthiest and best version of me I needed to change my life. Showing the world that you can live unhealthy and be "ok" is not as amazing as showing the world what you can overcome and they can too 💗 Be brighter put down the lighter. #changeyourlife #beanexample #notobaccoday

She's Back!

After my health set back I started stepping back into fitness last week. Today is the first day I feel like me today. Have you ever just wanted to shout from a mountain because you feel so good? That would be today! Is it because everything is 100%? Nope. Is it because the anxiety to it all is gone? Nope. My health will never be perfect. I need to gain a little weight ( that is a new one ) I need to regain muscle. I need to get back to fully running after having to take a little time off.  I am always going to have trials. For goodness sake I have a broken brain. I live on seizures meds twice daily to assure that I will never have another. You know what though. I will always have anxiety attached to all of that. I can live in that fact. Wallow in it. Or I can SING! Sing in all I have overcome. I am seizure free almost 9 years! I conquered paralyzing fears attached to my diagnosis. I lost 110 lbs 5 years ago and have maintained it! Instead of taking High blood Pressure Meds I became a runner in a year and have better then perfect Blood Pressure. The girl that was hurt by family and just placed boundaries and walked away truly forgave everyone and lives in peace. I also have given up negativity and live purely in hope, faith and love. So even though there is plenty that is NOT perfect there is SO much that IS!! So I SING Also I get back into fitness little by little, step by step. To me it is so exciting to have a fun place to start again!
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Here is my plan! 1. I have picked a squat and pushup challenge that I'm starting on JUNE 1. 2. hitting the road slowly again with my Polar. 5 times a week. 3.Posting what I'm grateful for daily - Now you can join me. Nope I'm not a Coach or with a fitness company. There is no cost or strings. Just a group of girls in a private group getting healthy for JUNE!