17th Life Day

Every morning for 6,209 days, I have woken up and thanked God for my life. Seventeen years ago, I had a grand mal seizure and woke up two hours later in the ER. I don't remember most of the week that followed.

Living with an invisible illness is not easy. There are many challenges I face that I don’t share with others—big, scary challenges. However, despite everything, it’s all worth it. My wish was to watch my children grow, and I have certainly witnessed that! They are beautiful, amazing, loving, and compassionate adults, both pursuing careers they are passionate about and find fulfilling.

I have also had the joy of growing up alongside my husband, and we recently celebrated our 30th anniversary. Now, our dream is to grow old together and fulfill our four-seasons empty nest dreams.

Although I never would have wanted to face such a limiting illness (or any illness) when I was 34, it has changed my perspective on life in ways many never get to experience—seeing it through the eyes of second chances. Initially, the world felt hopeless, and I struggled with PTSD for a long time. I still experience anxiety, but I have learned that there is hope in everything. To me, “impossible” is not an option; all I see is “I’m possible.”

I have been seizure-free for 17 years, thanks to medication and lifestyle changes. My specialists have told me that this is essentially a miracle. I hope that when someone feels hopeless, they can learn from my experience. Life isn’t always easy, but hope is real, and miracles do happen. Always declare what you want—your wishes can come true.

 

I faced a decision the other day -- one that honestly shouldn't have taken much time or thought. It was simply about passing information along because it mattered to two people. It was the loving and right thing to do. However, it involved navigating an unknown territory for someone in the family with whom I have never encountered issues, but who is in a strange place. I have found myself in the middle, and having been that person before, I understand how uncomfortable that position can be.

I empathize with those who have a strong loyalty and I understand that enmeshment can be paralyzing. There's so much truth that remains unspoken, and many things you want to address but refrain from out of fear of losing everything you know. I empathize with those who find themselves in this situation. Still, I do know deep down eventually they will see all the facts and truths. They will be brave enough to step forward and embrace all that life and truth have to offer, and they deserve.  

Setting boundaries often involves stepping away from people who make you question everything and can turn something as simple as sharing information into a complex ordeal. Establishing boundaries takes away their power. I did the right thing and shared the information with love because I understood its importance. 

Don't let anyone drain your energy. Rise above it all - above them. Life is bigger and better. Strive to be the better person. 

Generational Trauma and Healing on Mother's Day

 A week ago, after about 20 years, I received multiple calls from my "mother" - the woman who gave birth to me. There were so many calls that I could hardly keep up, all within 18 hours. However, she didn't call to apologize, express regret, or seek forgiveness for the harm and abuse she caused me. She didn't attempt to make amends for the pain she brought my family, which was my breaking point. She also did not try to make amends for the cryptic and hurtful messages via email and social media in the years following. 

After the first call, I set a clear text establishing a boundary: this communication would not be continued. She ignored my boundary, even though I knew she saw my message, and the calls and love bombing persisted. Then, things became frantic. She ended up in a hospital near me, abandoned by everyone, and wanted to move in with ME! I sent her a second text, reminding her of my boundary and stating that her actions constituted harassment. 

The sixth message came through as she called again. At this point, I texted a sibling- the one who is always there for but it seems like he wasn't now. Who knows what tails she was spinning in her chaos. This was the same sibling I told years ago to protect his wife and future family because she would cause chaos. Also, the sibling who was upset with me because I wouldn't attend/ be in his wedding, because our mother would be there and I needed to protect my family. Seems like perhaps he may understand now? I urged him to take care of his mother. They were close, so I believe it is handled.  Now, we can hope she is no longer just two hours away from us. We have consciously chosen to live 2,000 miles away from everyone. 

I don't want to allow this Mother's Day to be overshadowed by negativity. I want to emphasize that even when people abuse you, make you feel unworthy, and gradually destroy your sense of self from a young age, it is possible to rise above it. When raised on lies, the truth will eventually come to light, for three will always emerge : the sun, the truth and karma. 

It took me a long time to confront everything I endured as a child, including the struggle to be the "perfect" one who cared for everyone to prove my love. I aimed to provide my family with the "family" I see and feel everyone deserves. The family you see splashed everywhere especially on holidays like today. Through my healing journey, I discovered that what we needed was for me to step out of the toxicity fully and end the cycle allowing OUR new line to begin. I realized that family that I thought they deserved was only holding us under and making our family line sick with their continued lies, acceptances of abuses and toxicity. You have to fully let go to end the trend. I realized that the choices made by my parents and family do not define me. My healing truly began when I understood their choices ( and lack of ownership of them ) , opinions and reactions reflected who they were, not my values or worth. I think forgiveness is important but forgiveness does not mean allowing people back. I do not have hate in my heart for her. I forgive her for the unforgiveable. I hope she finds peace. 

My Mother's Day gift, now and every day, is our children. We have created a beautiful family that embodies the values of truth, honesty, empathy, compassion, love and open communication. We genuinely value and enjoy each other, not just love one another. My children are my legacy and greatest gift to this world, and it is my honor to be their mother. 

Each Day is a Gift

Dec 28, 2024 - This was 10 years ago today. 16 years ago I feared I would never see my children grow up. This weekend I saw my oldest marry his love. Thank you God.

I shared this personally on December 28, 2024. At the time I wasn't using this blog so I am sharing now. I have decided though it is something I am going to put much more effort into now. I have so much to say and this feel like the place I want to do it.  I started this in 2013 and stepped away about 5 years ago. So many of you have been along with me on my journey through Facebook since 2012. This day was a big day for me. My children are the world to me. 

Holding Space for All

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month and every year I’m filled with sadness and anger for the children who were not protected. I was one of them. This is not the easiest for me to talk about because I have always hidden behind this a bit. I have forgiven those at a time I should not have simply because as a child and a young adult I needed love and wanted the comfort of a somewhat normal family like everyone else. As a child I was scared to say too much to anyone because the fear of the unknown was far worse than the daily horror I knew. That I knew I could get through because it was my normal which was not normal at all. I knew at the end there would be a space and then they would act normal again. After all we appeared to be "Golden Family" until the truth started to fall out little by little. I realized from raising my family that these patterns that were normal to me were abuse in themselves an extension of my childhood abuse. I saw the patterns from those people start to come close to my children. Then I had to start cutting ties. I went no contact with one parent the patterns kept going but just with me. In my attempt to be loved I became the people pleaser and did all I could for so long to be perfect. To help at a drop of a hat fly cross county and save the day. Save the day for people over years, putting them first for months even when they wouldn't cross a puddle for me or mine let alone states. Relentlessly going through the patterns of being gaslit, ignored, adored over and over simply because I was someone they needed not someone they loved. Until the truth of what they did came out when I did a dna test building my ancestry tree. The truth exploded. Again, I let new people in. People who should have appeared safe. Then again I learned about narcissists. They are either the victim or the hero but never the villain. I had a major health scare from the stress put up on me from this. So I healed and I grew and I made my life a safe space. A place where I could breathe. All throughout my life there have been people who have listened to my story if I have felt safe enough to open and share. Many are so cherished and are my given family. There are some though that weaponize all I have been through against me. Even at 50 same as when I was 15 this is why people do not share. It is why abusers of all types get away. It is why this continue. It is why generational trauma never ends. I can tell you though in my leg of this tree - it is over. For those in this world who do not listen to all survivors -It is time for change or this will never end.

Sending love to ALL victims not just the one people choose to hear. I have space for you all.