9 1/2 years ago today I almost died. Yes, it sounds dramatic but it is true. I don't remember 2 hours of my life. I was a normal 34 year old mom and woke up with a brain condition and my life has never been the same. In the beginning that was horrible. Today it is a victory. I am almost at 10 years with one Gran Mal. Although I have had my ups and downs and live on meds I am an overcomer. This is what I pray for a controlled brain. I beat the massive anxiety attached to this. I pulled myself out of the tailspin. It took a few years but I did it. My life is a gift not a death sentence. I have my scars but I share them to show others they too can survive whatever is before them. I lost that 125. I have kept it off. I have control of my anxiety. I show others with faith, hope and positivity anything is possible. None of this was in me before my seizure. It took almost taking the life out of me to find the piece of me to serve. Although this is not something I would want I am so glad that God used me to help so many through Girls Gone Healthy. If you feel you are at rock bottom just wait something may be revealed to you with time. I never would have believed the life that would have came to me out of almost having the life taken from me. This is not a path I would have picked but being able to help so many is something my heart is happy to do.

A Spark

Sometimes you don't get it fully until years later the impact someone has on your life. If Amy hadn't had popped up in my life and taught me these lessons I may never have found the new me. I may never have become healthy. I may never have paid it forward by becoming Girls Gone Healthy and helping others. All it it takes is one spark to change the path of your life. I truly believe she was my spark. Without this spark my life could have been so different.
8 years ago today my friend died of cancer. There is a lesson in this loss so I will share. She touched my life and if I can pay forward what she taught me to a few more it would be a beautiful honor to her today. I was with her almost every day of her life for the last 6 weeks. Not because I knew her forever or she was my neighbor. She worked at my daughter's school and there was a call and need for help with her. I had known of her for years, my daughter loved her and her family needed help. I was a stay at home mom with kids at school and had time to offer. Those 6 weeks of close friendship I can't describe to you really. In a situation like this one day is like a year. We talked, held hands, laughed.. cried, prayed. She taught me to see the beauty in the simplest things. I was still stuck after my seizure and had not found my way out. She helped me to start seeing the light. One morning she had a request she wanted to feel the sun. So even though it was cooler out we bundled her and brought her in front of a window. She said please just bring me outside. Which we did even though technically we weren't suppose to. You could see every care she had wash away when she could feel the sun, smell the air and be outside for those few minutes. Something we do all the time and don't think twice about. She showed me selfless love. Her #1 concern at all times were her children. How they were doing. When were they coming? Were their days as normal as possible. She taught me undying faith. When at the time in my faith I myself would have been angry to leave my children so young. To have to deal with all of this pain. She NEVER was. She always remained faithful and strong in her love for God. I was at a point myself where I turned my back on my faith because after my diagnosis I felt abandoned. I just had too many emotions to see. She helped show me that even in the greatest trial I am not alone. She praised His name with every breath she had. There are so many things she taught me these are just a few but one that reminds me of her almost daily is this. When things get tough you keep on going. You never give up. On her board in her hospital room were these 3 simple words from her favorite movie...
Just Keep Swimming
Appreciate every moment, hug and love your family, enjoy every laugh and conversation, experience life's moments don't just blindly live, have faith even in the darkest of times and NEVER lose hope or give up. Never be afraid to lend a helping hand. My life would never have been the same if I would have ignored this request.

Control

Pretty morning sunrise run. Actually a much needed sunrise #om  I woke up stressed out because my children are getting older and the Holidays potentially will not look like this next year. So in my mind I started orchestrating scenarios of what we will do, how it will look, how we can keep things "Moran Clan" because I need my babies with me on the Holidays. Ok it's now 5:30am I'm filled with anxiety over things and what I am doing is not orchestrating but "controlling". You think I would have learned 9.5 years ago when the life was almost knocked out of me that I am never in control. I battled that for a long time and it was horrible. The one thing I learned from that is even though I am not in control is I always have a choice. I made a choice about that when I decided to make the rest of my life the best of my life. I made a choice when I decided to get healthy. I also make a choice each morning when I open my eyes and thank God for giving me another day. So now I simply need to remember I have another choice. To be present. To choose joy and peace in my heart and let what will be , be. Because He has just made my children more magnificent with every year. I have always told my friends scared when their kids are going into College it just keeps getting better because it has. I know that wherever the road leads it will be ok and we will be together. So if I have to remind myself 100 times I will to just breathe and enjoy now.

43

Daily I am grateful for these two but twice a year I am over the moon grateful. That is on my Life Day 6-16 I just had #9 seizure free. Then on my Birthday. Today is my 43rd. How could I ask for anything in the world when God has already given me the best gifts in the world. My children. Also the opportunity not to leave this world when they were 6 and 12 but to be here and as healthy as I can be 9 years later. They are my why.

Why I lost the 110, why I try daily. Best thing we have raised two amazing humans that would make any parent proud. Many want stacks of presents I will just be glad with the opportunity to be "present" in their lives. Don't ever take that for granted. Your life is a gift.

Stop Smoking

I don't need to tell you about the chemicals you are inhaling. I don't need to tell you about the damage you are doing to your heart and lungs. I don't need to tell you that you are actually hurting your loved ones with the effects of second and third hand smoke. Why? You already know it. Most smokers I know and who have had issues with my posts through my personal page and Girls Gone Healthy have said they find these facts fuel to keep them going. Like someone is challenging them to keep going. When actually all someone is trying to do is love and encourage you to health. I could have been the same way with my weight 110 lbs ago. I could have held on to the weight to show the world, to spite them. I decided though to be the healthiest and best version of me I needed to change my life. Showing the world that you can live unhealthy and be "ok" is not as amazing as showing the world what you can overcome and they can too 💗 Be brighter put down the lighter. #changeyourlife #beanexample #notobaccoday

She's Back!

After my health set back I started stepping back into fitness last week. Today is the first day I feel like me today. Have you ever just wanted to shout from a mountain because you feel so good? That would be today! Is it because everything is 100%? Nope. Is it because the anxiety to it all is gone? Nope. My health will never be perfect. I need to gain a little weight ( that is a new one ) I need to regain muscle. I need to get back to fully running after having to take a little time off.  I am always going to have trials. For goodness sake I have a broken brain. I live on seizures meds twice daily to assure that I will never have another. You know what though. I will always have anxiety attached to all of that. I can live in that fact. Wallow in it. Or I can SING! Sing in all I have overcome. I am seizure free almost 9 years! I conquered paralyzing fears attached to my diagnosis. I lost 110 lbs 5 years ago and have maintained it! Instead of taking High blood Pressure Meds I became a runner in a year and have better then perfect Blood Pressure. The girl that was hurt by family and just placed boundaries and walked away truly forgave everyone and lives in peace. I also have given up negativity and live purely in hope, faith and love. So even though there is plenty that is NOT perfect there is SO much that IS!! So I SING Also I get back into fitness little by little, step by step. To me it is so exciting to have a fun place to start again!
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Here is my plan! 1. I have picked a squat and pushup challenge that I'm starting on JUNE 1. 2. hitting the road slowly again with my Polar. 5 times a week. 3.Posting what I'm grateful for daily - Now you can join me. Nope I'm not a Coach or with a fitness company. There is no cost or strings. Just a group of girls in a private group getting healthy for JUNE! 

The Art of Healing

Who knew that healing could take so long. I just noticed I have not blogged in almost a year. Someone told me it would happen soon because I was ready. I really didn't know what that meant until I went through Mother's Day weekend. A weekend I typically dread. Not because I'm not a good Mom. Not because I don't have wonderful children but because what I see from everyone else. What I feel I miss out on in life. A good relationship with a loving Mom. In the past I have felt I have healed from this but when moments like this come up and it still stings you know you haven't. This Mother's Day I did not think of her or our relationship once. I enjoyed my family and the day. Social media did not bother me. It was calm it was peaceful. A few days later I reflected on this. I have had my safe boundaries set for years. I do not want her in my life. Those words usually came with anger. Now they come with calm. I forgive her for what she has done for... Me, not her. I can actually look at my life and see things that happened were not a reflection of me. They were a reflection of her. They have to deal with her past. Her not being able to overcome what had happened to her. I have sadness that she was unable to do that so she could create a better life for her and all her children. I forgive her and release that. If she has issues they are hers. Not mine. I have learned to live and love with hope and peace. To change the direction for my family for one that had so many addictions, secrets and lies to one centered around truth, love and faith. Not a show, not for pictures. All for real. We are not perfect but we love one another fiercly. I have done what most people can not do I have ended the trend. I can 100% say I forgive her for what she has done. My heart and soul is healed. As with all things in my life they have just made me stronger, more understanding and more compassionate to others. So in the end I thank her.