I Define Me

Sometimes you are just remembered for things that aren't so wonderful - today is one. Before my gran mal I volunteered every Wednesday at the soup kitchen in town. That is until I had my gran mal there 8 years ago. After I physically could not make myself return. For fear of it happening again. For of the unknown as I was unconscious for 2 hours. For embarrassment. For shame. I could not go back. The building would make me physically sick. I would have an anxiety attack. My husband even tried to help me through it since he knew how much I enjoyed volunteering. No matter how much I wanted to return. I could not. Today I helped at same type community center but not the place it happened. I ran into a man I use to work with every Wednesday years ago and told him so. He scratched his beard and couldn't place me. I said I use to have red hair...nope.. I use to weigh 100 lbs more... Hmm.. Last time you saw me I had a seizure and left unconscious in an ambulance - ding ding! Lol. There you go. He remembered. That might be what I'm connected with but it doesn't bring me fear or shame any longer. It is a chapter in my life that made me stronger. I no longer give it the power to define me - I define me. Not a moment.

Life Day # 8

Today is my Life Day. 8 years at 11am I was unconscious in an ambulance being taken to a hospital. Waking up nearly 2 hours later to my husband at the foot of my bed with his head in his hands. Not knowing where I was or why. We didn't even have those answers for about a week after. The answers were not good. Not the worst news one could hear but it was something I would have to be reminded of twice daily for the rest of my life. I had a long time of living in darkness before I finally realized I was given the gift of life not a death sentence. So what has 8 years given me? A new life - period. I am not the same. What does not kill us makes us stronger and my disease even though not wanted has made me stronger. I have watched my children grow. Grow into amazing human beings. Full of grace, love, compassion, humor and joy. I can't even fathom leaving the earth that day and not watching them grow. I've had 8 more years with my husband. I have learned that not everybody deserves to be in my life. That I can love them with boundaries or let people go completely. Life is too short for drama, for lies, for anything toxic. I have learned that family can be who you pick. I have learned that people will judge me for having a seizure. I use to be scared to talk about it for "the look". Guess what, I can take medicine to fix my brainwaves. What can these people take to fix their judgement of me? My disease has made me brave enough to share to help others like me who feel alone. To try to normalize a disease that touches 1 in 26. I have had some moments over the last 8 years that did scare me. Now with skills I have learned and faith to calm me I can get through it better. Now instead of fear of dying. I have a fear of not living. Go play with your kids, hike, travel, laugh, hug, drive, run, forgive, be happy, find your calling, whatever. Do it all - Live it all. Life is a gift. Treat it as one. You don't have to almost lose your life to learn this like I did. You can just learn from me and others like me.

Bye Bye Sideline Mom

Today my daughter and I had a fun day climbing the rocks and exploring at a State Park not far from our home. When I say "explore" I mean climbing rocks, wading through water, go further than any other families there. We covered the area for hours!! It was so much fun. No distractions, no phones. Just nature and the two of us. We talked, laid in the sun, sweat like crazy. No time worries, no physical restrictions. Just fun. This would never have happened a few years ago. 110 lbs ago there is physically no way. I am coming up on the 8 anniversary of my "life day" For people who almost lose their lives that day becomes almost as important if not more important than our Birthday. That day at first killed me. Then it changed my life. It brought me to rock bottom. It made me realize though my life was a gift. A gift worth fighting for. To become healthy. Before my seizure I was a sideline Mom. They would play I would watch. They would want to do something I would come up with an excuse not to. Now I want to do it. I want to explore it all. I want to be active physically in their lives. Have fun. Be present. That seizure was the most awful day of my life. It also gave me an entirely new life once I allowed it. One I wouldn't trade for anything, If I have one day or fifty years this is the Mom I want my kids to remember the Mom of the last few years. The lets play in the water Mom, the hiking Mom, the drive across country Mom, the lets drive with the top down Mom, the lets have an adventure Mom. That Mom on the couch - sideline Mom -has been gone for years and is not missed at all.

Reflecting Back 7 Years

I had a sweet friend send me a screenshot of a conversation we had 7 years ago tonight. At first I laughed. Then I really reflected on it. This was me deep in sadness after my diagnosis. I was gaining and saw no end in sight. I saw no happiness but my children. I was a mess. I saw diet as a 4 letter word. I saw exercise as something I wanted nothing to do with. Supporting my friend. Wow, I couldn't even do that. I deflected my own thoughts on her victory. To that friend I am so very sorry. I should have cheered you on instead I said something about your knees. That must have been an excuse of mine at the time not to workout. I was 110 lbs heavier then. I had an excuse for everything. It was mostly I think to protect myself. I was so scared then I didn't even know if I was going to live so why try? I did have that one morning though where I woke up and decided my life was a gift and not a death sentence. Where I decided I was going to succeed at losing weight, being happy and being healthy. That it didn't matter if I had one day or 50 years I was going to live every single day to the fullest. It took a little trial and error. I did continue to get back up though. The other thing I reflect on now is that old me could NEVER have imagined that this new me would run a 5k 4-5x a week for the last 4 years, lift weights, eat clean and help other get healthy. The old me had that in her. She just didn't believe in herself. So if you are where I was KNOW it is possible. Believe in yourself because I believe in you.