Life Day #7

Today is the 7th anniversary of my Gran Mal Seizure. Instead of calling it the "anniversary" those close to me know I call it my "Life Day". It was the day everything ..began.. to change for me. I say began because at first I was scared, I was angry, I lived in fear. I wouldn't even call it living. I stopped living. Sometimes I actually think I feel like I stopped breathing. Like I was shoved underwater and I was waiting for somebody to save me. I was scared to be alive for simple fact I could die. I could have died walking, showering, swimming, breathing.  Seizures are scary and that is what it did, scared me to stop living. The only exception was when I would try to pull myself together in time to pick my kids up from school. Put on a happy face to act like a happy parent because I loved them so much. That was and still remains my main fear leaving them. My then 12 year old son and 6 year old daughter. I don't remember my seizure. I remember driving on the freeway with the kids and going to volunteer at the Soup Kitchen. Then it all went black for nearly 2 hours. My children though remember it all. That is a huge burden for a parent to put on their kids. I know I didn't do it on purpose. I am so thankful we were all safe but to not remember something is hard. To know your kids have those moments etched in their brains is horrible. To have them tell you about it.. I can't even describe it. So how did things ever turn around for me? I lived in a whirlwind of chaos in my mind, fear, sadness and anger over my diagnosis. My defining moment was one morning I woke up and realized I was not being punished. My life wasn't over, it wasn't a death death sentence but a SECOND chance. I wasn't taken from my family but given a second chance to get it all right. I now have learned to trust God. Even this morning 7 years later when my eyes opened my first thought is, Thank you. I say those 2 words every morning when I wake up before my feet hit the ground. My family laughs I am a morning person now. It is because I feel blessed. I start each day with a grateful heart. I choose to be excited, thankful and happy. I live each day with intention. It did take a long time to get there though. I do have moments when anxiety hits. They are further and farther between. I need to breathe. Get through the moment and release it. Not cling to it in fear. I define me - my diagnosis and my seizure meds do not. I live an active and healthy life. Which is intentional. When I decided my life was a gift I also decided not to waste it and live it to it's healthiest and fullest, I have maintained 110 lb weight loss now for 3 years. My goal is to be the best version of me that I can. To be an encourager for others as the world is full of critics. My life might not make sense to some but until you have almost lost your life it's sometimes hard to understand those who have almost lost theirs and came back. We try not to sweat the small stuff. We love a little stronger. Cherish good friends. Avoid those who are negative. We hug lots and say I love you more than most. That is though because we know tomorrow is not a guarantee. I always want everyone in my life to know truly and dearly I love them.  The #1 thing I have learned is giving up is always an option but it will never be MY choice.