And Now I'm Stronger...

SO I have been dealing with something... for a few months. I don't like to talk about it because after all I have been through I don't like to appear weak. I am proud of overcoming something and then to have a setback even if it is a small one is hard to admit. I haven't had to deal with the PTSD attached to my seizure in years now. This Summer my daughter and I went on a road trip from TX to Northern CA which was HUGE considering it took me 4 years to even drive on a freeway after my seizure. For those who don't know my seizure didn't happen while driving I was on the freeway with my kids 20 minutes prior. When it happened we were volunteering at the local soup kitchen. The fear though of what COULD have happened though stopped me from driving on a freeway or basically at all for years. Anyways we ended up having car trouble with my new vehicle on the way back which set me right back into panic mode. I actually parked the car in Phoenix, found a nice hotel and told my husband to come get us which he did. Then in the beginning of Fall after 6 plus year I felt off for the first time since my GMS which lead to another panic/stress for me. Labs all came back fine but seizure meds were adjusted and AGAIN I started to sneak back into that panic feeling with driving, sleeping, ect. I have certain triggers that make it worse. Today, again it happened.. Usually I will call my husband but he was busy, my BF is on vacation and I just wanted to breathe through it and this song came on the radio not once but 2 times in a row. "Something in The Water" By Carrie Underwood. It just reminded me so much of my life before when I was stuck in PTSD after my seizure. When I was going through the motions of my life but not living. When I was I was angry at God for almost killing me. When my life consisted of sleeping, eating and pretending to be happy.

"He said, "I've been where you've been before.
Down every hallway's a slamming door."
No way out, no one to come and save me
Wasting a life that the Good Lord gave me
Then somebody said what I'm saying to you
Opened my eyes and told me the truth."
They said, "Just a little faith, it'll all get better."

One morning I did wake up and realize my life was a gift. Out of nowhere the most miserable person in the world actually believed everything was possible. That was the day EVERYTHING in my life became better. I realized I wasn't almost killed I was given a 2nd chance to appreciate and live life to the fullest. I have the same amount of days as anyone else on this earth - not one of us is guaranteed tomorrow. That is not a religious thing - that is just life. None of this actually is- it is just my path - there are many paths to peace. This just happens to be the way I found mine.
 
"And now I'm singing along to amazing grace
Can't nobody wipe this smile off my face
Got joy in my heart, angels on my side
Thank God almighty, I saw the light
Gonna look ahead, no turning back
Live everyday, give it all that I have
Trust in someone bigger than me
Ever since the day that I believed
I am changed
And now I'm stronger"

The part I need to remember and the reason that song came on TWICE, IS I am changed and I AM stronger. I don't need to be perfect to show anybody that. We all have our moments of doubt. The joy in my heart, the lessons I have learned and the life I have built will get me through anything though.

 https://youtu.be/mH9kYn4L8TI